Urban Words Through Time and Space
by lastcompanion
Summary: Collection of One-Shots inspired by words I find on the internet.
1. Chapter 1: Spectaphile

_**A/N: Hello! This is my first time ever writing FanFiction (aside from the incomplete ramblings in my various notebooks) so I am a bit nervous! It is also the first time I've ever put anything on the internet that I've written. I know you hear this a lot because almost everyone asks, but...reviews would be very appreciated! I have a thick skin so criticism (constructive) is welcome. I want to know what people really think about it and how to improve my writing.**_

_**Now onto the story.**_

_**I have loved most of the stuff I've read on here, but I really like that one-shots because (most of the time) you don't have to remember any of the previous chapters! I like that a lot because I read so much of these and get confused and sometimes life gets too hectic to keep all of the stories straight in my head (especially if you're trying to figure out the latest **_**Doctor Who_ episode. Whew! That Christmas ep was a doozy!). So, this will be a collection of one-shots inspired by words I get off of Urban Dictionary (which I do not own) because I feel like that will be an occasional challenge._**

**_Sorry for the length of the A/N and _**

**Spectaphile: (adj.) A person who is sexually attracted to people with glasses**

He was getting old. He looked 31, acted 7, but felt over 1000. _My age is finally catching up to me,_ he thought to himself amusedly as he slipped on his reading glasses. The Ponds were nested in their beds in the TARDIS—All 3 of them. Rory and Amy in their bunk beds and River in the bed they shared together. Even though the Doctor loved his adventures, he relished the time he spent alone in his library pouring over new books.

He loved them all—Mystery, Fiction, Romance, Classics, Biographies. He cherished a good biography. Sometimes, when he read one that was really enthralling, he'd go back in time to when his favorite parts took place and watch them play out from afar. More often than not though he would end up having to get involved for some reason and when he went back to the TARDIS he'd find extra chapters all about him.

He was cuddled into his favorite chair, the seat worn out from centuries of use, with his biography of the 100th President of the planet Pag-ak Tan when he heard the door open. There was no use looking up; he knew who it was. He heard the sleepy pattern of her steps and heard her moan with fatigue as she ran her hands through her hair.

"Sweetie, why are you in here so late? Come back to bed." She walked behind the chair and wrapped her arms around him from behind.

"Just catching up on some reading to do."

"But you have all the time in the universe; you can spare one night with me." She nuzzled her face into his neck as he chuckled.

"That's what you said last night."

"And it's just as true tonight as it was last night."

He kissed the side of her head, her bouncy curls disheveled from sleep brushing up against his closed eyelids. "Oh, River."

She smiled at the use of her name. River looked up at him, more awake then before. She opened her mouth to say something, then stopped. After a few seconds she finally spoke. "Doctor, are you wearing glasses?"

"Why, yes I am. I find that I am needing them more and more these days."

Her lips curled into the mischievous smile he adored—when he saw that smile he knew things were going to be good. "Honey, I find them strangely…"

"Adorable? Cute? Funny?"

"_Sexy."_ He froze. That was certainly not what he was expecting.

"Oh. _Oh._" He paused.

She smiled again and walked around to the front of the chair. River crooked her finger, signaling for him to follow. He raised an eyebrow in confusion. River stopped, looked him up and down, and winked before walking starting to walk back again. Realizing what River wanted, the Doctor blushed with excitement. He jumped out of his chair and set the book down before straightening his bowtie and beginning to walk out of the door to River who was already out of sight.

"Oh, Doctor!" River poked her head back into the room, stopping him in his track. "Bring the book. This time we are going to play a little game called Librarian and I'll be bringing you back something that's very overdue." She winked before disappearing again and he gulped before racing back to grab the book and out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2: Volunteer's Remorse

_**A/N: Wow! Up an hour and I already have 8 views and 1 follow! That might not seem like much but it's made me very excited. Anyway, I've already written a couple more chapters and I hope to put them up regularly. I am currently stage managing a musical at my school so please be patient. Thank you so much and please review :) Enjoy!**_

**Volunteer's Remorse: When you volunteer to help with something and immediately regret doing so**

The Doctor had Volunteer's Remorse. When the Ponds had asked him to help out at their Garage Sale he was fascinated: How do you remove a garage from a house? He was really interesting in seeing what kind of technology they used for this. He was not expecting them to plop down a box of random things from their childhood in front of him with instructions to "label". Label! He was the Doctor, The Oncoming Storm and now he was a _labeler?_

He sighed and leaned back into his chair, staring at the box of stuff. _Maybe River's right,_ he thought. _Maybe I am getting too arrogant. _He picked up the first item from the box: an old mixer. He studied it intensely, his mind racing. He could make this into so many new things! A sonic mixer! An explody-wodey detector! A better mixer! He decided that he'd keep this one for himself. He was sure the Ponds would let him have it. He set it to the side.

The next item in the box was an old game system from the 90s, probably Rory's. The Doctor was shocked he wasn't keeping it! _These humans! Their brains can be so tiny sometimes,_ he thought as he set the console aside with the mixer. The next half an hour went the same way, and nearly everything in the box was set aside for himself.

"Are you done yet, Doctor? I gave you that box nearly an hour ago and—" Amy Pond stopped. "What is this?"

"Oh, this pile is done. All labeled and everything and this pile," he pointed to mound of stuff, "is mine."

"Yours?"

"Yes. I want it. Do you know what I could make out of all of these things? I could save planets! Universes! All of time!"

"What can you do with this?" She held up a toaster that printed the Batman logo on the bread.

"I can make toast."

"Batman? Really Doctor?"

"I like Batman, Batman is cool."

Amy sighed. "Okay, Doctor. You can have it. Just don't take any more, okay? Here is the next box." She picked up a box next to the sofa and handed it to him and the first thing he saw was a portable DVD player. His eyes lit up.

"Ooh!"

She took the box from his arms and rolled her eyes. "You know what Doctor, I think Rory and I are okay here. You can go. You seem like you need a break. Thank you for everything you did, Doctor." She picked up the few measly items that the Doctor didn't want and put in the box she was holding and walked out of the room.

_You know, maybe this 'Volunteering' thing isn't so bad at all!_ He thought as he scooped up his new treasures and sauntered off toward the TARDIS.


	3. Chapter 3: Russian Morning

_**A/N: Thanks for all the follows! Please read and review! Enjoy! :)**_

**Russian Morning: Waking up after a night of drinking nothing but Vodka**

Her head pounded. She could do nothing but lay in bed and even that was difficult. As she was finally beginning to drift off, she heard her favorite noise in the world start to woosh near her, but it was unwelcome this morning. _He will never turn those breaks off, will he?_ She covered her head with her pillow, attempting to muffle the noise but it was too strong.

The doors to the box creaked open and she heard her lock being sonic-ed free. "Get your coat, Song. We're going on an adventure!"

"Sweetie, not today," she mumbled under her pillow.

"Aw, but River! I just heard about the most amazing planet where the only inhabitants are puppies that never grow up! Puppies, River! As far as the eye can see!"

Sometimes she wished he would just act his age. "Not now, sweetie." She was trying to play nice. He hated it when she went to parties without him and if she didn't play nice, she was sure to tell him what happened.

"But River!" He was actually whining! A grown man! Whining! About puppies! He flopped down on the bed and nestled himself behind her so they were spooning. "I just wanted a day with you. I don't know how long it's been for you, but it's been way too long for me."

That statement broke her. She turned her body so she was on her side facing him and they kissed. He pulled back way too soon for her liking and gave her a confused look. "River…were you out drinking last night?"

She slipped up! She wasn't careful enough—of course he would taste it on her! There was no use in lying her way out of this. "Yes, dear. Problem?"

"Was I there?"

She smiled even though she knew what was yet to come. "No, sweetie. Just me."

"Oh, River!" He pulled away from her and rolled out of the bed and onto his feet. "You know how I feel about you going out with strange men! I don't like it! It makes me feel all sick and jealous and I don't like feeling sick and jealous. You know it's dangerous! Anything could happen and—" he was interrupted by her kissing.

"You are frightfully adorable when you are envious of other men."

Even though the Doctor was still rather upset he wasn't going to complain about the sudden change of events. He kissed her back, strongly this time, and led her to the bed. He was about to get on top when she moaned in pain. He jumped out of the bed, frightened.

"Are you all right?"

"No, dear. I'm having a Russian Morning."

"Were you at that Russian bar last night? Oh, dear I told you to stay away from there! I have some debts to pay to the bartender and if he knew you were my wife I am certain he'd—"

She chuckled and then winced in pain. "No, sweetie. It's what the boys call the morning after getting drunk on nothing but vodka."

He rubbed his eyes. _The boys?! Nothing but vodka?! _Oh, he was certain she'd be the death of him. Then he stopped. No, he'd be the death of her. Oh, what was a night partying? At least it kept her busy on the nights she didn't see him. If she wasn't getting herself into trouble or doing things with other boys she shouldn't be doing, he should be happy that she's having fun.

He didn't say another word, just got back into bed next her and stroked her hair, hoping it would provide comfort if not relief. "Are you okay?" River was a little unnerved by the sudden change of emotion in her husband.

"Just doing what I came here to do: enjoying your presence." He kissed her forehead lightly and held her close as she slowly drifted off and slept away her Russian Morning.


	4. Chapter 4: Sleepy Bear Syndrome

**Sleepy Bear Syndrome: The anger occurring after someone accidentally wakes you up during, or on the precipice of a nap.**

"Doctor, are you okay?" Amy Pond sat at the kitchen table in the TARDIS and watched as the Doctor scurried in, looking shaken up and frightened.

"Um, yes. Maybe. Not sure." He scratched his cheek and looked confused, like he was trying to figure out what happened.

Amy chuckled. "What did you do to River, Doctor?"

The Doctor whipped around to Amy. "How did you know—"

"Because it's always about River. No one else can make you that flustered."

"And she gets that from you, y'know," Rory said while walking into the kitchen. He kissed Amy quickly and went to make a cup of tea.

"Aw, thanks Stupid Face."

He turned around and winked. "Always." Amy laughed as she sipped her tea. "So what did you do to my daughter, Doctor?"

"Oh, okay. I see how it is! No one suspects that she did something to me! They all suspect that I did something wrong!" He ran his hand through his hair and paced the length of the kitchen, muttering to himself.

"DOCTOR!" River's angry growl thundered throughout the TARDIS. The Doctor practically leaped out of his skin and his hair stood on edge. He look to Amy for advice but all he got was a smirk.

"Woke her up during her nap, did you?" She smiled knowingly to herself.

"Oh that is a very bad idea, Doctor," Rory told him. "When we would all hang out together as kids, sometimes Mels would fall asleep during a video or after a particularly tiring day and if we woke her up, then—"

"—all hell would breake loose," Amy finished. "We learned very early on not to disturb her. The girl needs her rest."

"She has what we nurses call 'Sleepy Bear Syndrome'."

"Really? Is that a thing?"

"Oh, yes. We deal with it all the time with patients. This one time I was bit by an old lady and she nearly broke the skin!"

"What am I supposed to do about it?" The Doctor looked extremely concerned and afraid. He certainly did not want to be bit by River! Well, not while she was angry. In other circumstances biting was definitely more than welcome: it was encouraged.

"Just sit down with us, have a cuppa tea. She'll calm down eventually." Amy nudged the open seat next to her.

"Are you sure?" The Doctor looked uncertain.

"Of course I'm sure! I'm her mother and her best friend. I've only been dealing with this for what, nearly my whole life?"

"Okay…." The Doctor sat in the chair next to Amy and chat with the couple. He soon forgot about the angry woman in his bed.

"DOCTOR!" River stormed into the kitchen and hit the Doctor in the back of the head with a pillow.

"Ow!" He rubbed the back of his head and cowered next to Amy.

"I could not fall back asleep after you woke me up! I understand that sometimes you get excited and want to show me your new settings on your screwdriver, but you need to let me get my beauty sleep! Do you think this just happens by itself?" She motioned to her body.

"Um…yes?"

She sighed loudly. "What am I going to do with you, Doctor!" River turned around and headed back to their room.

"River! Do you want help in going back to sleep? I have a few activities in mind that might make you tired!" He ran off after her, leaving Amy and Rory sitting at the table together, hoping that the couple would keep it down this time.


	5. Chapter 5: Brain Facts

**_A/N: I am really shocked! Over 500 views! Thank you for the response so far! It's been wonderful! If anyone has any terms or words they want me to use for the story please comment them! Enjoy and review!_**

**Brain Fact: A thought that you believe to be true. The "facts" are completely fabricated and are supported by zero empirical evidence whatsoever. The only qualifier is that you believe the fact to be true.**

"ACHOOO!" The sneeze came from The Doctor's bedroom, a place he rarely visited unless River was over or he was, like now, sick. "ACHOOO!" The sound was so loud that Clara wanted to cover her ears, but since she was carrying soup that was not an option.

She tapped lightly on his door. "Doctor? It's Clara."

"Clara?" came his raspy voice from the other side.

"Yes. I brought soup. Can I come in?"

"Soup! Yes, please. Soup sounds lovely."

She pushed open the door at the same time he decided to blow his nose. It sounded like an elephant and she jumped a little, spilling soup all over her mitten-covered hands. "Oh Clara, I'm so sorry! Your hands!"

She shrugged. "S'okay Doctor. Here, sit up."

She put the soup on his nightstand and helped him sit up. She grabbed a couple of pillows from his closet and stuffed it behind his back and neck to help keep him propped up. Clara fetched a tray from the kitchen and set it on his lap. _Sometimes travelling with the Doctor is like being his nanny!_ She thought amusedly to herself. "Here you go, Doctor."

He immediately scooped some of the scalding hot liquid and put the spoon in his mouth. His eyes shot open and he dropped the spoon back into the soup, fanning his open tongue. "Hot! Hot! Hot!" He looked up at Clara, wide-eyed and panting.

She chuckled. "Oh, Doctor. You're like a five-year old. You have to blow on your soup first, like this." She fished the spoon out of the soup, wiped it off with a napkin, scooped some liquid up, and blew on it carefully. The Doctor opened his mouth and she fed him.

"Oh, Clara." He laughed. "What would I do without you?"

She smiled. "Burn your tongue off, probably. Now you feed yourself."

She got up and went to leave but the Doctor stopped her. "Clara?" She turned around. He looked up at her a little embarrassed. "Will you tell me a story or two?"

_Now I really am his Nanny!_ "Of course, Doctor." She moved to the other side of his bed and sat down next to him. "Now, what do you want to hear about?"

"Tell me some of the stories you tell your kids. The kids you nanny." He slurped his soup.

"Hm, let's see…." She put her finger under her chin and looked up, pretending to rack her brain. "Ah! I have it! How I created the Christmas tree!"

The Doctor nearly spit out his soup. "What?!"

"Oh yes, Doctor. " She smirked. She knew that he would get frustrated by her "true" stories, but that was all part of the fun.

"You did not come up with the Christmas tree! The Christmas Tree is a long-time tradition originating in—"

She put a finger over his lips, hushing him. "Shh, Doctor. Let me continue."

He glared at her for a minute, then settled back into his pillow. Clara smiled and removed her finger from his lips. "Now where was I? Ah, yes. How I created the Christmas Tree.

"It was a very long time ago, around 500 AD. I was a young girl then, about 10 or 11. I was living in the mountains by myself in a quaint little log cabin—"

"—By yourself? At 10? In the mountains? In A LOG CABIN?!"

"Doctor!"

"Sorry, continue."

"Anyway, I decided to go exploring! It was a few days before Christmas so I packed my bags with food. Popcorn strings were my favorite. I headed out and ended up getting caught in a blizzard but it was no problem for me as I had packed my tent and tons of blankets.

"I stumbled upon a little family that had nothing. They were almost freezing to death huddled around a fire under the largest Douglas Fir you have ever seen. But they were happy. They were the happiest little family. They welcomed me into their group and I shared my blankets and tent.

"The next day happened to be Christmas Eve. They taught me all of their little traditions. In fact, one of their little traditions happened to be creating a tradition each year! That year they let me create one. I looked through my bag and tried to figure out what to do. Then I spotted my Popcorn strings.

"Since they lived outside they had nothing to decorate! Except the tree they were living under. I pulled out the popcorn strings and strung them around the branches. The young girls figured out what I was up to and pulled out their surprisingly beautifully decorated hacky sacks and stuck them between the branches, thus creating the first Christmas tree.

"I gave them my blankets and my tent as a thank you and left the day after Christmas. Every year after that I found a smaller version of the tree they lived under, chopped it down, and brought it into my log cabin to decorate. Due to my extreme popularity the trend spread. And that is how I invented the Christmas tree."

Clara sat back against the headboard, satisfied. "Well, Clara," the Doctor began. "That was a very clever story, but I'm afraid it's not true."

"Yes it is."

"Do you tell these stories to the kids you nanny? Have you been spreading lies to the children of Earth?"

"I have not been spreading lies! They are facts! My brain facts!"

"Brain facts!"

"Yes! Now shut up and eat your soup." Clara got up and lightly walked out of the room, leaving the Doctor in his bed slightly shocked but mostly amused at the story she had just told him.


End file.
